I kept dreaming about this for weeks. It turned out to be such a nightmare.

No, obviously not for me. For the Dean.

Here are some excerpts from the Lab Viva.

----

Dean: Do you smoke??

Me: Sir, are you asking this question as the Dean or as a professor of the Department of Ocean Engineering??

Dean: I am asking this is as your professor.

Me: Sir, then I think it would be better if we don't deviate from our subject and attend to the matter at hand.

Dean: What impudence?? In that case, I am asking you this question as the Dean!!

Me: Then I have no business sitting at your office with all these lab reports in my hands on a fine Saturday morning sir.

----

At another point of the very same Viva:

Dean: You have copied all the reports. You are an unscrupulous cheat and a liar!!

Me: (Silence)

Dean: Speak up!! Can't you do a single thing on your own?? Is this what you have been taught all these years?? I don't see any originality in your reports. All the readings are the same, the graphs look the same, the write up contains similar words. What have you even learnt from the lab? How well to copy??

Me: ....

Dean: Are you going to open your mouth or not?

Me: Sir, 10 of us did the same experiment, with the same values. I think common sense states that we get the same readings and the same graphs. And since we did the same experiment, I think even the method written by us will be the same.

Dean: What if I prove that you have copied word to word??

Me: Sir, I accept that I have copied.

Dean: There you go. Is this why I have to come to class every Friday afternoon after lunch and take your class for an hour? You haven't even written the conclusion on your own. Have you even gone through the slides I showed you in the class??

Me: Sir, about the slides, if I may ask, how much of it is yours, originally? Except the 1st slide where you write your name and your impressive degrees and the last one where you thank us for not sleeping in your class, how much have you written it on your own??

----

Except that all this never happened. it was just another dream.

And the nightmare was mine.

I got a report resubmission, and I have been asked to re-appear for Viva. But writing about the actual Viva that would have made an awesomely boooorring story!!

About the topics chosen (smoking and copying!), it actually happened to 2 of my mates. And this is how I would have responded to the Dean, had I been there, hypothetically!!

And Viva la Dean?? Not even in your dreams!!

This is an interview with Wool (Name changed to protect the victim's identity), a person who takes care of the overall hygiene of the hostel, a person who tries to look important (can someone tell him that holding a phenol bottle in one hand and a broom in the other is not going to make him look professional??) and does work related to the quadrangle lights, bathrooms, eliminating mosquitoes from the hostel, and licking the warden's ass whenever he sets foot into the hostel. In short, my GenSec. Woolie, my Gensec.

A pained Hosteler (pH) - Wool, it's a pleasure meeting you. I am very happy to have got this opportunity to talk to you regarding your term as the GenSec of Tripti Hostel. Finally, junta will be getting to know the real Wool.

Wool (W) - Oh, hi!! It's a pleasure to talk to you too. I am a person who doesn't like much publicity and I often like to work behind the scenes. I have a request to make. Can I have a separate session with the photographer, as I have been practicing various poses and would like to try them out?

pH - Surely, Wool. But only after the interview. Now, our readers wish to know why you insist on being referred to as Mr. GenSec?

W - Sounds nice, doesn't it? And it also adds a certain punch. My post demands that authority and respect from junta. When the SportSec can have a cool sounding name like The Bhision, I figured why not I have something of that sort too?

pH - Okay. But doesn't it sound too pompous??

W - Come on, let me have a cool sounding name at least, if not a cool job.

pH - On to our next question Wool, why did you decide to run for the post of GenSec?

W - Oh, this was the only post where you required nothing but infinite knowledge and wisdom about shit.

pH - Were there any critical decisions that you had to take, till now?

W - Oh yes...

pH - Go on please. Could you please elaborate the situation and the steps you took?

W - Yeah, I am thinking about that. Mmmmm... er... once, there was no water in the hostel. I asked junta to wait till the next day, and lo and behold, there was water.

pH - Er... Could you talk of a real problem please?

W - Yes, one day, the housekeeping guy did a real bad job of cleaning the corridors. I called a meeting with the housekeeping guys, and had a brainstorming session with them and we all reached a decision, which was appreciated by all and sundry.

pH - Which was...?

W - That the guy who cleans the corridors should clean it with more concentration.

pH - What about the quadrangle lights, Wool? What steps have you taken to ensure that they are put up soon?

W - Whenever the engineer comes, I give him The Job and tell him what I expect from him. But looks like giving him The Job is not working. Wing junta are behind my balls now.

pH - We received some rumors about an Ant Attack you recently had to endure. Are they true?

W - Yes indeed!! I had a very harrowing time.

pH - Could you tell us what happened please?

W - I had my management examination, and I woke up rather late for it. I had to rush, and I took off a trouser at random and wore it. After some time, I experienced an itching sensation near my ****** (beep) area, and it worsened while in the exam hall.

pH - So, how did the exam go, Wool??

W - Ever have an army of ants attack you? Hordes and hordes of them??

pH - Er... no. So, essentially, you got raped by a gang of ants. What do you think they were after?

W - I would have to say that they were behind my Laddoos. Little did they know that they are no longer there. (Laughs)

pH - Oh, so, the wing junta are not the only one after your.... er... Laddoos, you call em??

W - I think that would be it for now. I have an emergency to attend to. Some dustbins have been overturned by some monkeys, and I have to set em right.

pH - Ok. Thanks a lot for your time, Wool. We wish you success on all your endeavors. One final question. Are you planning to run for the elections again?

W - Haha!! Keep guessing.

There is no other word that better describes Mishra. After 2 and a half years at IITM, he is still regarded the God of the wing by all and sundry. Anything about any arbitrary topic, the doubt winds its way towards 109, Tapti. 109 has become synonymous with a holy place, with the pilgrims believing that scribbling "Mishra is God!!" on the walls of his abode will grant them enormous grasping and concentration powers. To resemble a holy man, he has also tonsured his head now, and looks anything but a holy man. A devout Mishraite, when asked what he felt about Mishra's new hairstyle answered,"Yatho Mishras Thatho Satyam". When we asked him about the relevancy of the statement he made in connection to the question we asked, he again replied "Yatho Mishras Thatho Satyam". It seems to be the motto on everyone's lips. In the recently concluded Shaastra, the dean was reported to have "mistakenly" substituted IITM's motto with "Yatho Mishras Thatho Satyam".

Philosophy seems to have become a way of life for him nowadays. An example -
Mishra, 2 years back -
Q: Dude, why did the chicken cross the road??
A: The answer is something that is archived deep in the Nalanda university library and only Mishraite scholars are allowed to access. But we have reason to believe that it is something related to Copernicus' statement about the Sun being the center of the Solar system.

Mishra, Now-
Q: Dude, why did the chicken cross the road??
A: First tell me this, why should it cross the road?
Q: Machan, that is the question da. Answer.
A: Of what use is it to you that I answer the question? Does it solve any higher purpose? Does my answering your question affect your future in any way??
Q: Can't you give a straightforward answer??
A: First tell me, what is an answer. Is there an answer to any question? Is there any question at all? And is there any thing that is straightforward??

Obviously, you give up. No one has ever been able to get a straight answer from him, and no one ever will.

The sugar industry in India is thriving because of Mishra. For a cup of sugar solution, he puts 2 teaspoons of tea powder. When asked about the danger of him getting diabetes, he had just one answer "What exactly is danger?? Define danger. Is there not danger in everything??". Rajnikanth's next movie is a take on Mishra's life and ideals. Rajnikanth is believed to have stayed with him over the past summer to learn the intricacies of Mishra's life.

When asked about his experiences when living with Mishra, he said it was an experience that can't be put into words and it will be very difficult to enact his role. He also said that it will be his first movie without a heroine, which will be a welcome change from prancing around with a girl in her 20s.

What is Mishra really like? What are his innermost thoughts? What are his fantasies, his dreams? These are questions that are currently being answered at MISHRA (Mishra's Institute for Scientific, Holistic and Rational Approach).

Next: Mishra, as a dude!!

Statutory warning: The following is performed only by experts and the methods should never be tried by anyone else.


For all those not enthused by the magical word of Harry Potter, the title translates to "Never poke a sleeping dragon". To face an IITan's ire, you don't need to rile him up, or sound off heavy dialogues, or challenge him to do the impossible. Where strong words don't stoke fire, waking him up from sleep does. Here are some things an IITan hopes he never wakes up to (not in any order)...

- Classes. This is a classic case of hoping against hope. For all those who are not shackled by the attendance rule, you might not know what I am talking about.

- ID - Industrial Design. Looking up at Prof. Raghuprakash's or Prof. Susie Verghese's face and listening to them drone about an ecologically efficient pen early in the day is not how you want to start it off.

- Grub at mess. Need I say more??

- Message from your Class Rep announcing that the afternoon class has been advanced to the first hour.

- For those without cycles, the walk to your respective departments, and being shunned by people (with cycles) you thought were friends.

- For those with cycles, the eternal fear that someone might ask you for a lift which makes you look at your front tire while you ride.

- Finding out that there is not a drop of water in the hostel to perform your daily ablutions.

- Waking up, and finding that you have missed the quiz.

- A message from a Muggu asking you "Whether the sum given in the class yesterday is to be solved by the unitary or non-unitary Fourier transform?"

- Another message from the same guy telling you that he has solved by both ways, but the 3rd decimal doesn't match in the answers.

- A call from your father's colleague's wife's cousin's colleague, who wishes to talk to you about his son's preparation for JEE.

- Himesh Reshammiya's "voice".

- A guy imitating Himesh Reshammiya.

- A freshie asking you to put Branch Change fundaes.

- The same freshie asking you about job prospects after the 4th year.

- A Gtalk ping, asking you whether you are crashing, when your status message proclaims exactly that.

- An arbit guy, whom you have never seen before or heard of before, asking you to vote for him as the Insti GenSec.

- A freshie asking you for his cycle keys, which you took about a week back.

- The same freshie coming back in 5 minutes to ask you where the cycle is.


This list is non - exhaustive. Other ideas and methods are welcome at the comments section.

This is just what the title proclaims it to be. Arbitrary ravings. I have a lot to rave and rant about. Who doesn't?

One of the main things bothering me this semester is acads. It bothers all of us, doesn't it? There is a difference though: This is the first semester where I feel I am not going to cup (or fail) in any course. In my previous 4 semesters, there has been at least one course where I felt I will surely cup, but I scraped through (Linear Algebra still gives me the jitters!). And this semester, I also have more than 95% attendance in all courses. The reason is not the new attendance rule, stupid as it might be. My department is in a corner of IITM, and our slots are usually one after the other. So, it is a pain to go there, bunk a class and come back all the way to the hostel.

Prof. Bhattacharya. Love him. No prof has used the word smart with me before. When it comes to adjectives and profs, the profs usually end up choosing the worst adjectives to describe me. This case was no different. He called me over-smart. For telling him that the answer is an approximate 0.9 (which was wrong, anyway!). When was the last time you had to write a leave letter? 10th standard in school might be the average answer. I was asked to write one, just because I bunked a class of his, the reason being a back sprain (Thanks a lot, mamme, for helping me with the format!!). Prof. Bhattacharya might fill up the entire blog, if I went on about him.

Prof. Surendran, Ph.D. Yokohoma, Japan. I see that on every handout he gives. I don't remember if he puts them on the question papers too. I always think of reminding him that every prof here is a Ph.D. A very nice prof, loves talking to his students. Laughs for anything but a joke, but keeps the class happy, and dazed. I don't understand whatever he teaches. I initially thought it was Korean, but later realized it was all Greek. Pains us a lot in the lab, but ends up giving ok marks. Gets excited at the thought of Korea, or Kochi. And he is one prof who makes even PK Nag (Thermodynamics) and RL Harrington (Marine Engineering) bed time story books. I doubt whether many profs could do that.

Toolie, my GenSec. Also known as Gandhi, mere Baap. A retarded individual who prefers reading yesterday's news today (Times of India!!). My best critic. Who else will have the audacity to wake me up on a fine Sunday morning to say that my sequel of the pseud putter blog "was an overkill, wasn't that great or funny!"?? Tells me whatever he wants to my face, knowing fully well that I could thrash him (I would hurt a fly rather than toolie!). Probably the best GenSec (I am expecting a treat for this!!) Tapti has ever had. Always on the lookout for them to break up, so that he could swoop in and sweep the lady off her legs. The swooping or the sweeping never has happened, and we doubt whether it will. Some say that he took up the cookery contest (yeah, you heard it right!!) coordship to impress the lady. Can someone please tell him that the saying is "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" and not the other way round? More light on him will be thrown in blogs to come.

Insti aka Vikram. My best friend for hundreds of miles. My live-in roommate for past some days. He claims that his girl scares the living daylights outta him. One of the main reasons why I was tagged gay in my first semester. And it's deja vu again!! Brainy chap. Eats very slow. You can have breakfast with him and then come back for lunch to see him finishing up his breakfast. Recently given the security coordship in Saarang. He looks anything but a security coord. Skinny, mental monkey, as someone describes him. He must have made more visits to a hospital than the Union Health Minister himself this year. Sources tell me that the doctors and the nurses miss him.

Ayush. I miss the vision, man. Shaastra and quizzes have kept him busy. I will blog the full vision speech someday.



Kannada, a lovely language. As I wasn't learning anything of value here, I thought I would go at least learn a few languages. Knowing Tamizh and Telugu is a big advantage when learning Kannada. But don't make mistakes, like the one I just made. I went and asked busty" Maga, snanagay Hogona??", which essentially translates to "Will you come to bathe with me??". I will be starting on "Learn Kannada in 30 days" after my quizzes end. Shall blog about the experiences soon.

Watch this space for more...